November Gratitude

Every year, I have a goal of doing a gratitude journal for the month of November. With the weeks leading to Thanksgiving, I have attempted to mark at least three things I am grateful for throughout the day. I typically only last a couple weeks.

This year, I am trying again. Only this time, I hope to make this a daily habit. I think it is important to see the good in every day, even the worst ones.

Today was a long day. It was a day of trial and error. It was one of those days where finding myself in my home after being out all day felt especially comforting and safe. But, despite all of the obstacles I faced today, I found somethings to be grateful for.

1. For a video project I’m working on, I witnessed my first Special Olympics game. I am touched by the smiles, support, and teamwork I experienced from the teams today.
2. Today was cold. I am grateful for the comfort of a hot cup of tea on a cold day.
3. As I write this post, my youngest sister is asking Alexa to play miscellaneous songs for her to interpretive dance to. This is her way of making me laugh. It’s working…even with her Miranda sings voice impersonation.

Just writing these things has allowed my mind to process my day and slow down my thoughts. Today had its hardships, but it had its highlights too. There’s always something to be grateful for.

The Picture

I’ve thought a lot about writing lately. It’s something I used to do so often and it saddens me that I don’t practice this skill more on my free time.

I used to write a lot of poetry, especially as a teenager. However, when I was younger, I used to write stories. Often fictional, these stories were written to humor or to entertain. When I started writing papers in high school, my teacher told me when writing non-fiction, I had to write more seriously. Her exact words were “Hayley, you are a great writer, but you have to write more..well..boring.”

I tried to practice this. But somewhere along the road, I began to take true personal stories and write them as if they were a work of fiction. I told my stories in the same lens I would use if I were writing one of the fictional stories I wrote in my childhood. I didn’t want someone to read my work and yawn. I wanted them to feel as though I was there with them, telling them the story conversationally. It stuck.

The reason I am telling you all about this is because today is the anniversary of my Grammy’s passing and I have a story to tell about the last memory I have with her. It is titled, “The Picture.” It goes like this:

I was greeted by my aunt’s somber face as I walked through the front door of her home-turned-hospice. “She’s not having a good day today, sadly. She’s in a lot of pain.” Nodding, I braced myself for the tough scene I was about to find myself in. I walked through the doorway, said hello to my Grandpa, and saw her. My Grammy lay in bed, her skin tinted purple from the neck down. She lay on her side, unable to speak much, but aware of her surroundings. A slide show of family photos played on the tv. I said hello and gave her a light kiss on the cheek. She tried to smile. As I leaned over her I saw she was eating a lollipop. She barely had an appetite, but it didn’t stop her sweet tooth. As she watched the slideshow, I said “I have one with me.” I reached in my purse and slid out the photo I had been keeping in there for weeks. It was of the two of us: I was about one or two years old and I sat on her lap, pacifier in mouth, pink footed pajamas. Her mouth was slightly agape, probably mid-song. I handed it to her. She grasped it and looked at it with an intense focus. Although her mouth could not form the expression, her eyes smiled. This was how I left her, lollipop in one hand, our picture in the other, her eyes sparkling.

A day or two after that, my Grammy slipped into a coma. A week later, she passed away. That week and the days that followed are hard memories to bring back. The little moments shared with my cousins and family made the pain bearable: The tally of how many life saver mints were eaten between the six of us grandchildren sitting in the funeral home lobby, the awkwardly loud laughs following the stories of my aunt, uncles’, and father’s childhood with my Grammy and Grandpa. But the moment I take with me always is what I walked into at that wake. My aunt stopped me before I walked into the viewing room, “I’m so sorry Hayley. I knew you and her were like this.” She crossed her fingers, an expression of closeness. “Hayley, I have something for you. She was holding this when she passed away.” I looked down at the item in her hands: a little girl in pink pajamas and a pacifier stared at the camera, her role model holding her, mouth slightly open in mid-song. It was slightly sticky with green apple lollipop. I smiled and I took the picture, our picture, from her hands. “Thank you.”

Five years later, I slipped the same picture into a pocket inside my costume, located right near my heart, and stepped onto the North Shore Music Theatre stage and performed for my Grammy, and for all other people affected by cancer. In a few weeks, I will do this again in another show with Voices of Hope Boston, an organization that has enabled me to perform in memory of my Grammy and to help raise money towards cancer research. I will continue to do this with our picture held against my heart, forever my angel.

20 Things I’ve Learned By 20

In the movie Stuck in Love, author and father Bill tells his son Rusty “By the age of 18, a writer has experienced enough to write his first novel.” Today I turn twenty. I have much to learn and to experience, but I think at the age of two decades I can reflect on some of the truths I’ve discovered along this path to adulthood.

1. Everything  happens for a reason.

Now this is what everyone tells you when something goes wrong and my immediate reaction is “yup, okay, but why???” And every time I asked this, I received an answer over the course of time. 

2. Allow a creative thought to unfold.

I remember in 6th grade I had to answer the question when do you use fractions in your life? And everyone went around sharing and I said “tabs on Microsoft word.” The room fell quiet and my teacher just said “You’re an out-of-the-box thinker aren’t you?” Yes, yes I am.

3. Your family should be your best friends.

I’ve grown up always enjoying the company of my family. For me, there was nothing more entertaining than having a big family gathering and hearing old stories, laughing, and eating massive amounts of food. Still to this day, I cherish that. My family makes me who I am. 

4. Hold onto every moment you spend with your grandparents.

Birthday’s can be bittersweet. I used to go shopping with my grandparents every year on my birthday. On one day, my Memere and Pepere would take me to the mall, which would always include a trip to Friendly’s and Pepere getting paged at a department store. My Grammy would take me out on another day and she’d let me pick out an outfit and a toy. It was the best cuz she let me explore my style. I’d come back with some crazy outfit.

5. Faith comes to you when you need it the most.

Whether you’re religious or not, faith helps you get through even the toughest of times. Faith is believing. And sometimes the hardest thing to do in a rough spot is to believe that you’re going to get out of it. That’s when you do it anyway. 

6. People will make you think you don’t belong, don’t let them.

My junior high years were filled with insecurities about fitting in. I always felt it was something I did or something I said or something I wore that made me stand out. Now I realize I totally did stand out, but in the best of days. I want to go back and give that frizzy-haired eighth grader a high five for rocking her Target kids’ section Big Time Rush t-shirt when everyone else was wearing Hollister. You belong in bigger and better places, my friend.

7. If you want to dress up, then dress up. Wear what makes your heart happy.

I’m almost always over-dressed. I live for dresses, fun lip colors, and leather jackets. My style is best described by my father’s complaints. “Hayley go back inside, you can’t move a shed dressed like a fairy princess.” “Hayley’s shoveling dressed like she has an interview with the top designer at Macy’s.” which leads me to my next point: 

8. It’s okay to think your parents are cool. 

You know there’s always moments when you’re embarrassed by your parents. Trust me, my father once stood on his car and waved his arms shouting my name to flag me down when picking me up from high school. But how funny is that? He’s hilarious. My mom’s the same way. She’s funny. But I also brag about how she did undercover work back in the day. It’s pretty awesome.

9. If you feel called to write, pick up a pen.

When I was younger, I wrote songs. My first song was called “Argument.” It was a real hit. Lots of “oh’s”, lots of “woo’s”. Like all the best songs. It pays off to have the courage to pick that pen up. I mean, I’m writing this blog post. 

10. Use the gifts you were blessed with.

If you are a writer, then “write like you’re running out of time.” If you dance, dance your heart out. If you are a talker, then lead that debate team. If you can sing, join that chorus or show choir. Audition for that show. Just don’t let that talent go unnoticed. Let it out. Let it grow.

11. The best of friends always come back to you.

There have been times I thought I’ve lost a friend. And I have. But with time and healing, the friends who belong in your life come back and stay in your life. Those are the keepers. Those friends and the one’s who’ve been by your side all along.

12. Surround yourself with people who allow you to be you.

I have a friend that will listen to me summarize entire episodes of The Vampire Diaries. I have a friend that challenges me to running man challenge to the song “Hey Ya”. (Winner tbd). I have a friend who will sit in the parking lot of an ice cream stand with me blaring Phantom of the Opera and singing along. To the friends who offer me endless support, are there for me through thick and thin, who bring me “Dunks” when I “seem stressed.” Thank you.

13. Sometimes I just want a nice salad and sometimes I just want Ben and Jerry’s half-baked. Why not both?

A healthy lifestyle is a great thing to achieve. I try to find a balance. Allow yourself to have a treat every once and a while. Life’s too short. 

14. “Don’t settle.” -FM

If something doesn’t feel right, then don’t waste your time. Don’t settle for anything less than what makes your heart shine. This goes for anything, career paths, relationship, etc..

15. There’s always room in your heart for forgiveness.

Sometimes I want to hold a grudge and it lasts maybe a day until I feel too guilty. Forgiveness is hard but when you forgive, it makes you stronger and it relieves you from guilt and negativity.

16. Try new things. It’s okay to want to soak up all life has to offer.

One time I decided to play the role of “Romeo” in my eighth grade Romeo and Juliet Assignment. I fell in love with acting and the rest is history.

17. Everyone has their own definition of fun. Don’t let anyone try to change yours.

Sometimes my idea of fun is shopping with friends. Sometimes, it’s having a karaoke night. And other times it’s curling up in bed with a hot cup of tea and a good book and calling it a night.

18. Don’t quit your day job, but don’t quit your daydream.

Walt Disney was a paper boy first. I was a paper girl. Therefore, I am Walt Disney…jk. But my point is clear, every small job pays off.

19. Sometimes the best way to recover from a loss is to turn it around into something positive.

There’s always going to be a way for you to reach out and honor the memory of a loved one. (A theatre group that raises money and awareness for cancer? :O) And if there isn’t, make one. 😉 (Roger A. Cote Run for Courage). 

20. As a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up. As an adult, I want to keep the child inside of me alive.

When I was little I loved to play dress up. In a way, theatre takes the place of this in my heart. I want to remember my younger self when I take on adulthood. The best advice I’ve received is to “Be the person you needed when you were younger.” 

As I finished this post, I’ve officially turned twenty. It doesn’t feel much different. Maybe I got taller…? Oh who am I kidding!

Looking Over the Edge of the Roof: My First Blog Workshop

1 TIMOTHY 4:12

“Don’t let anyone look down on your because you are young. Instead, set an example for the believers through your speech, behavior, love, faith and purity.”

When I created this blog, I had one motive: to help others through my own words and experiences. I reflected on the four years of high school that I spent tackling my anxiety and asked myself “What or who did I need back then that could’ve really helped me?” Then one of the best pieces of advice I have ever read (Thanks Pinterest) popped in my head “Be someone you needed when you were younger.” The next thing I knew, my journal was out and I was writing my first post for this blog. She Doesn’t Know She Has It was originally going to be a book. I wanted to write about a fictional teen trying to cope with having anxiety in high school. But the problem with books is, they have an ending. My story with anxiety hasn’t ended yet. With this blog, I can continue to post advice and experiences and growth.

The goal of this blog is for my readers to have somewhere to go to when they need help or even for just entertainment. I cannot physically be there for everyone, although I wish I could, but in writing, people all over the world can read my posts. However, I was blessed this past weekend to have the opportunity to physically be there for others. My former pastor read my blog and reached out to me to run a workshop called “Looking Over the Edge of the Roof: How to Handle with Anxiety” at the Merrimack Valley Catholic Youth Conference. I willingly accepted the offer.

I had a mix of fear and excitement with this challenge. I feared how I would go about running the workshop. Public speaking was nerve wracking for me, but I hoped with God’s help, I would be able to deliver a speech that would hit the hearts of the conference attendees. I was also grateful for my sister Ashley who immediately agreed to help me. The excitement that comes with sharing my blog and helping others and the support of my sister is what motivated me to take on this challenge.

Ashley Jasmin tells students about her anxiety-relieving activity.

I am super pleased and blessed about the outcome of this conference. Within five minutes, the room was filled with students of all ages ranging from eighth grade to seniors in high school. I was nervous throughout my speech but whenever I looked up, I received a reassuring smile from each student, which was more than enough encouragement to go on. Ashley shared some advice of her own, for anxiety runs in the family, and she put together an activity where each student wrote down on a piece of paper what makes them anxious and then they crumbled the paper and threw it away. After my talk and Ashley’s activity, the teens were allowed time to just chat and ask questions. There were smiles, there were laughs, and there was a ever-present feeling of peace in the room. I left the conference and my heart was touched; I can only hope that others left with the same feeling.

Hayley delivers her speech to the students at the Merrimack Valley Catholic Youth Conference.

My AMAZING workshop attendees who willingly took a picture for this post. 

Shout out to my workshop attendees ❤

Hayley

Ease into the Holiday Spirit

Fa La La La La! It’s that time of year once again. I always feel like after Halloween, Thanksgiving creeps up on us and then Christmas swoops in. I also notice that, as a student, preparation for finals and big papers collides with prepping for the big holiday. It can be so difficult to really find the time to feel and appreciate the Holiday spirit.

It seems every year now I find myself asking the famous question: Where are you Christmas?  I wish nothing more to be young again around the holidays: dreaming of sugar plum fairies, watching Christmas specials, tracking Santa, believing in holiday magic. So this year, I made a decision: to find balance between wrapping up classes and wrapping gifts. I am writing this post specifically for people like me who need to find simple ways to ease into the holiday spirit.

Hayley’s Holiday Guide:

Step 1: Play those Christmas tunes. I know in the Jasmin house, Christmas music starts playing November 1st, right after Halloween. I also realize that might be, to spare my mother’s feelings, “a little” extreme. But, as soon as you are ready to embrace the holiday season, blast those holiday tracks. Buddy the Elf says it best:

Step 2: See at least 1 Holiday Concert. It feels weird not participating in my high school’s Christmas concert this year since I’ve graduated. That used to be my way of getting into the holiday spirit. However, I will be going to the concert. To save money, check local schools and universities for holiday concerts. There’s a good chance at least one school will have one, and by attending you’re also benefiting the school’s music program. This year, my aunt kindly brought me to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra’s Christmas concert. I highly recommend it to anyone. This group puts on an amazing show and all of their songs go along with a Christmas story being recited by a narrator.

TSO performing at the DCU Center in Worcester. Photo by Nicolle Wood

Step 3: Go to a Festival of Trees. I don’t know how common these events are outside New England, but a few local towns in my area hold a Festival of Trees.Donors from multiple organizations create their own decorated Christmas trees, which are works of art, and people can enter a raffle to win one of them. With festive background music and aisles upon aisles of these beautifully crafted trees, this event is sure to get you pumped up on Christmas spirit.

Step 4: Drink Hot Cocoa and Watch Holiday Movies. I know we are all dreaming of watching White Christmas with a mug of hot chocolate and a warm fireplace. Study hard for finals and reward yourself with this holiday treat. Don’t know what to watch? Here’s Freeform’s 25 Days of Christmas official schedule: https://www.25daysofchristmastv.com/schedule. (ps. This is great to do with friends and family.)

Step 5: Give, give, give. It’s so easy to get lost in the commercialism of the holiday season. Thanksgiving wasn’t even over yet and it was already Black Friday! I love Christmas shopping, whether it’s online or in stores. I love buying for my friends and family. However, each year I try to give to someone who isn’t as fortunate as I am around the holidays. My family always participates in “The Giving Tree” at my parish where anyone can take an ornament with the name of an item someone in need is asking for and buy the item and return it to the parish. Someone from the parish then brings the gifts to those in need of them. I have also participated in a toy drive in the past. Toys for tots bins are set up in several places locally or you can visit their website for more information. This year my campus had Sun Santa banks set up at the register to our school’s market. I placed change in their whenever I bought something. You can also donate to any local charities this season.

Step 6: Take holiday pictures. This year I decided to take on an Instagram Countdown to Christmas challenge. Each day is an assigned photo that you must post, all with different holiday themes. Below is the challenge I am taking part in. See my December in photos on my Instagram: @hayley_jasmin (Tip: Get your friends and family involved too!)

Step 7: Find a Christmas/Holiday Read! I have finally finished all of my final paper assignments and have read all of the books and sources I needed to complete these papers. Now, I can start my traditional Christmas read. Every year, I try to find a holiday book to read before Christmas. Last year, I read the Christmas class, Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. This year I am reading John Green’s Let It Snow. Another author to check out is Richard Paul Evans. He has multiple Christmas novels like The Christmas Box.

Step 9: Go Ice Skating. This is just a fun winter activity in general, so feel free to do this after Christmas. Or you can be like my family and buy a refillable ice skating rink on Amazon. Stay tuned for footage of our first experience with that.

Step 10: Remember the Reason for the Season. For anyone religious, Christmas Eve Mass is a great way to truly celebrate the season. I have also been following a December Bible Quote Challenge I found on Pinterest that has helped me engage in the Advent season. 

I think Linus says it best. 🙂

For anyone who is not religious, connect to the holiday season with a grateful heart. This yoga practice from Yoga by Adriene is a great way to get some exercise and allow yourself to just breathe and be thankful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pbuvhbg7po

So wrap up those finals, wrap up some gifts and ease your way into holiday magic!

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

Hayley